Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 352

Superbowl Sunday

Today is Superbowl Sunday. It’s not like last year’s buzz here on the East Coast when the Baltimore Raven’s were playing, but I guess in Seattle and Denver they are whooping it up!

I’ll be watching the commercials because that’s a huge part of it, but otherwise, nope, I’m not really going to be partaking in this bit of American culture unless things get critical and then I’ll watch some so I know what everyone is talking about on Monday.

Game on

Game on

Superbowl is a lot about numbers. Stats and figures and wotnot. Here are six facts.

1. 169 million people are expected to watch the Super Bowl.
2. The game will be broadcast in 180 countries and in more than 30 languages. One 30-second ad this year will cost more than $4 million.
3. In case you were wondering, one of the biggest purchasers of Super Bowl ads is Anheuser-Busch and they have spent $145.9 million on Super Bowl ads since 2009. Never head of them.
4. The average price of a ticket to Super Bowl 48 is $3,019. For that you’ll be able to sit outside with a temperature near or below freezing with a chance of gusty winds all at your seat.
5. 1.25 billion chicken wings will be consumed and that the average fan will take in roughly 1,200 calories during the game. Dominos and Pizza Hut are also expected to sell 29 million slices of pizza. No word on how much Tums and Pepto Bismol will be consumed immediately after the game.
6. Finally, when it comes to throwing down money on the big game, it’s estimated that fans will wager $98.9 million on the game and Las Vegas will reportedly pull in $8.03 million in profits from sports books from the Super Bowl.

The thing that really bothered me when I was watching the news yesterday was something called Skittle Sausages that some dude in Seattle is making for the game. Let me repeat that: SKITTLE SAUSAGES.

I want to be open-minded about this, because I will eat pretty much anything. But the idea of adding a giant bag of Skittles to hot sausage seems totally gruesome.

It’s the brainchild of a butcher in Puyallup, Washington and it’s called ( of course) “Beast Mode,” after Marshawn Lynch’s (he is a Seattle football player) legendary love of Skittles. The meat is ground, the candy added at the same time as the spices, and it’s shaped into links that thankfully are not rainbow-coloured. BARF!!

Beast Mode

Beast Mode

But the store’s patrons seem to like it, and mixing sweet and spicy in sausage can make some for tasty meat, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about here, because I am British after all! Maybe it’s totally and utterly delicious and we’re all missing out. If anyone out there wants to take one for the team, let me know how it goes.

London, England

Lovely, lovely London. Sometimes I miss it. The hustle and the bustle and smells and the very, very Britishness of it all.

London, innit

London, innit

So I wrote a piece about it for Smitten by Britain and asked folks from all over the place what they love about London too. Here’s that final piece for you to enjoy.

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 351

American thoughts on the UK and British thoughts on America

We two countries love each other right? Of course!
And we two countries love to criticise each other, right? Of course!

Well, I asked a bunch of expat Brits in the USA what their impressions of America were, and my friend Melissa asked a bunch of expat Americans in the UK what they their impressions of Britain are…..and the result? OMG – they are both a scream!I hope we don’t have another war on our hands, though, with some of the comments and reactions….!

Show the love!

Show the love!

Read the Brits on the USA here and the Americans on the UK here. And add in your two pennies/cents as you wish!

Expat tips

I often asked what my own advice about moving abroad is……I’ve said if before and I will say it again: an open mind. It’s probably the most necessary thing to have so that you can absorb and begin to understand the new culture you’ve found yourself in without being TOO critical!

These are my top ‘psychological’ tips to make the transition smoother. Look, it ain’t always easy, and I have my days when I’m like ‘Arggh, FFS, what I am doing?!’, or ‘Oh, this place is nuts and does my head in!’, but they are very, very rare moments and I see the whole experience about being in the States as an adventure. If there is something to see, I’ll go and see it. I won’t be cleaning my sofas, put it that way 🙂

1.Accepting differences.

You know, we are all different. It’s a fact. When you move to another country you realise just how different we are culturally, linguistically, emotionally, politically and behaviourally. And when you are an expat in America (and you are a Brit) you understand that our cultures have similarities, and yet it’s the differences which stand out.
The way to succeed as an expat in the USA is to accept that this is just the way it’s done here – one way isn’t right and one way isn’t wrong. They are just different. And accepting differences, while challenging at times, encourages you to be less judgmental and more tolerant, to be more open-minded about all sorts of things, allowing you to take opportunities, and to find greater pleasure in all that you do, as well as to experiment with things outside your comfort zone.

Accept and celebrate the differences because they can be so rewarding. That’s what I’ve learnt as a Brit in the USA.

I love being an expat!

I love being an expat!

2.Appreciating your own country.

Britain is really very good at some stuff and very beautiful and full of character in its own unique way. I suppose I never really appreciated this before. From my place on the other side of the ocean I have developed an appreciation of this far more than when I was actually in my own country because I’ve seen it with fresh and more beholden eyes.

It’s almost like rediscovering your culture and identity from a different standpoint.

And it’s a much nicer way to view a place, flaws and all.

Columbia, MD- a great place to be an expat

Columbia, MD – a great place to be an expat

3.Appreciating your host country.

America is also really very good at some stuff and very beautiful and full of character in its own unique way. When I moved here I came to a country that I had really only known through movies and TV shows and I was anxious to de-construct the stereotypes and myths we Brits have of the USA, as well as to sometimes seek truth in some of the preconceptions.

I took it all in with new, wide eyes and an open mind, and from this I really began to appreciate and enjoy my host country, and ultimately started to learn and develop from it as a person.

By blogging about being an expat I’ve also encouraged Americans who read my blog to rediscover, or see with new eyes, aspects of their own county and culture and with this comes the ability to question and to keep experiencing and appreciating their own culture.

Again, as an outsider looking in, being an expat in the USA with an open, non-judgmental focus is a much nicer way to view a place, flaws and all.

West Coast USA - for me, an expat dream!

West Coast USA – for me, an expat dream!

4.Being part of something.

You can be part of something new in your expat experience, or you can decide not to be. You can embrace it or you can resist it. I decided not to fear or fight America, which as British expat you can sometimes do with a sense of ‘what they do here is wrong, and we do it better’. Instead I let America take me on a journey and through this I have become part of something. For me that is pretty special.

America allowed, and encouraged, me to do this and you just know you’ve developed a relationship with a place when sometimes you find yourself in sync with its culture, its thinking and its philosophy without losing your own culture and identity. And yet, at the same time, if you have a relationship with your host country, you can also freely challenge these things without ostracizing yourself, or just coming across as an expat who thinks that they might know better.

America and Americans have shown me that to be truly part of something you just have to take a leap of faith, and it’s by far the most rewarding leap I’ve ever taken. Ever. I’ve made new and exciting friendships; taken new and totally outside-of-the-box opportunities; and completely appreciated all the new and invigorating experiences they’ve offered me.

Ultimately, all these experiences and opportunities are what makes an expat experience a great one. I have developed a close relationship with America, and, whilst still being a complete and utter Brit at heart, this has, at the end of the day, allowed me to change my perspective on how to view people, differences and the way we live our lives. My USA expat journey has helped me to see things differently, and, in the long run, for the better.

There are loads more tips about living as an expat and what you can expect and achieve through your experience.

As an expat, I think the more advice and tips you get the better. Then you can choose for yourself what you want to take on board. Experiences are personal, but some snippets other expats have told me have been invaluable and I’ve listened and heeded that advice, and been thankful for it! I like to dish out a bit of expat advice here and there, and so when I was asked to contribute to a campaign by British company HiFX, I was like ‘for sure’! See my contribution to the expat world, and other folks’ great advice, here 🙂

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 350

Valentine’s Day – Bah Bloody Humbug!

(Note: grumpy Brit post follows… 😉 )

I’ve already had it with Valentine’s Day and the ‘everybody gets a card’ nonsense at school and it’s only January. Is this ridiculousness happening in the UK, British chums?

I hope not.

Valentine's Day USA stylie....

Valentine’s Day USA stylie….

I had a list from school that had all the kids’ names on and Harry has to give all of them a card, and if he wants to, he can add in candy and stickers. Well, I’m in charge and I don’t want to, thanks.

Ugh! This is a load of b*llocks, really it is.

Here’s why….

a) Harry is not in training to be a Mormon and, although he is only six and currently not searching for a wife (or husband), as far as I am aware, I understand that polygamy is not legal in either Maryland or back in the UK. No need, therefore, to declare love for his entire Kindergarten class.

b) I think it’s quite character building for kids to get their hearts broken, no matter how young. Looks, it’s going to happen some time, and when the gorgeous (but conceited and uptight) Gwendolyn dumps you for the handsome (but dumb and brawny) school quarter back (or fly-half, if we’re back in the UK) when you’re 15, Harry, then at least you’ll have had some experience and you can handle it and get on with life, even though I’m sure you’ll still need some time kicking a football around aimlessly, looking dejected, with your hands in your pockets. Rejection, and learning to deal with it, is part of growing up.

c) I understand that the ‘love’ declared in these sweet (read as ‘sickly’) cards is all about friendship, but Harry does hanker after one special chick, and to be honest, she deserves a special homemade card all of her own. That’s how it used to work in our day, am I right?! Damn straight I am! I will be encouraging him to make her a special card 🙂

d) After card no. 8 Harry will no doubt get bored with writing in them (there are like 23 kids of something ridiculous in his class) and then I will have to pretend to write his name out for him (oh no, there’s no anonymity or element of surprise and guessing who wants to win your heart on this Valentine’s Day). Doing this will make me extremely grumpy.

e) We will receive 23 cards back and I will put them in a pile for about 48 hours and then recycle them.

f) The kids will be high on candy and will be sticking stickers all over the house, which will generally be crappy for everyone.

g) I believe in inclusivity, for sure, but this takes the piss. I can’t stand the ‘Everyone’s a winner’, ‘You all are the best’, ‘Everyone got a trophy’, ‘We all did good’ (I especially dislike the last one both grammatically and sentimentally.)

So, whilst I shall do as I have been asked and purchase these cards (can I get charity ones?) and encourage Harry to write them out, all in all, I think it’s a joke.

Yeah, rant over! (That felt good!)

The good old school days when you declared your love for someone and got all embarrassed about it.

The good old school days when you declared your love for someone and got all embarrassed about it.

17 British Slang Words and Phrases Most Americans Might Not Understand

I talk a lot. Fact.
I talk a lot with British slang and phrases and colloquialisms thrown in.
I write a lot. Fact. So, therefore, I have written about British slang and phrases and colloquialisms that I use when I talk.
Here it is! Enjoy!

And Fanny's your aunt!

And Fanny’s your aunt!

Oprah!

Hey, I did not know that the TV show host / movie star / weight loss guru goddess that is Oprah Winfrey was the host of a daytime program in Baltimore, and lived in The Cove in Wilde Lake, Columbia, MD! No way!

I loved The Color Purple, Oprah :)

I loved The Color Purple, Oprah 🙂

Read more here – cool! 🙂

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 349

Martin and Me

So, yesterday I locked eyes with Martin O’Malley. He was at the Mall in Columbia, showing his support for the victims and the strong community of Howard County. We’re in his Maryland patch, and so he showed up, which was ace.

I was in Starbucks at the time, getting myself a Zen Green Tea when I saw some bloke walking very purposefully past the kids’ carousel. Oh, I thought, I recognise him…

‘OMG “%*$*^”*’, screamed my friend Andrew, ‘Claire, it’s Martin O’Malley!’

Well, sod the queue in Starbucks, thought I, and legged it out the doors to take a picture of him. But my effing camera on my phone took FOREVER to load up, and Andrew was saying to me ‘Go and talk to him, he won’t bite!’ But I couldn’t – for three reasons:

1. He was there at the aftermath of a shooting and it would have seemed inappropriate and insensitive;
2. I couldn’t actually speak; and
3. It would have sounded really weird and desperate if I had squealed in my British accent ‘Oi, Martin, it’s me the UK Desperate Housewife USA!’ (like he knows who I am).

I think I might have been escorted away by his burly (and pretty fit looking) security guards.

That's him in the white shirt ;)

That’s him in the white shirt 😉

It's almost like he's running away from me....

It’s almost like he’s running away from me….

What did I make of Martin?

1. Andrew and I concluded that he is not as tall as we thought he would be.
2. He must have been very cold, as he only had his shirt on and therefore could probably have done with a hug to warm him up.
3. He did look me in the eye, which was most excellent, but he did not smile. To be fair, it was a sad and sombre day.

Interestingly, my Fitbit (which measures my activity) stats said that I ran my fastest at 3pm yesterday – that was the time I was running like a dippy Brit bird after Martin O’Malley!

Big portions

My friend, Andrew was asking how we Brits critique America. I told him I had heard and read comments on such things as the right to bear arms, food, portion size, driving everywhere, language use and other things.

‘Do we really have bigger portions?’ he asked.
‘On some occasions, you do,’ I replied.

Barf.

Barf.

I think this is true in some cases – I’ve seen whopping great mountains of food in some places, but just moderate, normal sizes in others. I think it’s when the only size available (like in the movie theatres, which is the same in the UK if I remember correctly) is small and that actually is frigging enormous (especially when its comes to kids’ sizes).

Soda, popcorn, fries – it’s generally the junk food that comes in large sizes, and which are available for free refills, and there lies the problem here and in the UK. I’ve been more aware, however, of the quantity of junk food that is around in the USA and it just seems to be getting bigger.

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 348

#hocounited

The Mall in Columbia re-opened today at 1pm, after the shooting at the weekend.

It felt subdued, but people proudly made their way around Mall, confirming that they were indeed #hocounited. People were sombre as they reflected on the weekend’s incident. There was an affirmative police presence, but not too overwhelming. Folks queued up to get lunch and went about their business, but above us, on the second floor, was the reminder of what had happened on Saturday morning.

The location of the shooting was considerately sealed off, and at the pond outside Lord and Taylor’s members of the public were encouraged to leave a flower and a message for the two victims and their families. Outside Starbucks a banner held steadfast in the cold wind – ‘Forever in our hearts’.

It took a deep breath to get myself into the Mall today, but you have to get on with life, and that’s what the Howard County community is doing. I felt proud of this strong community today – very proud indeed.

Beautiful words for the victims

This captures the sentiment of the community

This captures the sentiment of the community

Beautiful words for the victims

Flowers for the victims

Flowers for the victims

#hocounited

#hocounited

For video of the memorial and pictures of today’s events, see the Baltimore Sun’s write up.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/howard/columbia/bs-md-ho-columbia-mall-shooting-reopening-20140127,0,7463511.story

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 347

Driving test for foreigners in the USA

I heard a wonderful story this week about how much of a pigging nightmare it is to take the USA driving test if you’re not a U.S citizen. The tests might be different in the various States (I am sure they are!), but you can’t survive without a set of wheels out here, so needs must with the test.

I didn’t have to take this lengthy test, but I thought I would try my hand at some of the Q&As anwyway….

Prior to taking the test you are advised that ‘Driving is a privilege, you are responsible for knowing what all traffic control signs mean. Did you know there are over 500 Federally approved traffic signs in use today?’ Nope I did not know that.

These are just some of them...

These are just some of them…

Holy crap, not got a clue about many of the questions – oops. Oh dear, sorry folks on the roads of America.

But, I do like these signs – and they are so very American. Our trucks do not look like that in the UK, because we have lorries, and we certainly don’t have the Amish horse and trap sign!

Digging the digger!

Digging the digger!

Parking valets

I can’t remember if there are parking valets back in the UK, I really can’t. Not at nightclubs, anyway. Not the ones I frequented, that’s for sure!

But valet parking is a big deal here and when you hit a club or a restaurant the valet will take your keys from you right outside the front door and park up for you safe and sound. I’m just a little bit unsure if this kind of promotes drink driving (unless you are the sensible designated driver, of course). I might just be referring the movies and TV shows, so forgive me if I am, but I’m sure I’ve seen valets hand over the keys to folks who really shouldn’t be driving home after that night out…..

Mine needs a clear out too, if you're up for it ;)

Mine needs a clear out too, if you’re up for it 😉

Dinner conversations

I love dinner conversations with American folk.

American friend: ‘In Europe, is it true that the cheese comes out at the end of the meal?’
Me: ‘Yes.’
American friend: ‘Nice.’

British friend to American friend: ‘Why do you pronounce Route 66 like ‘root’, but when you say ‘which route will you use?’, you’ll pronounce it ‘rowt’?
American friend: ‘Hmmmm, not sure.’
British friend: ‘Interestingly inconsistent.’

Route or rowt?

Route or rowt?

The Mall Shooting in Columbia

I have to mention this tragedy today. I can’t tell you how much this has shocked the community here today. I have to say, watching it all unfold on TV and via social media, I have a deep respect for Howard County Police and all the responders, plus the Columbia community who rallied together checking on everyone. This is a wonderfully vibrant place to live, and I always feel safe here, so this is something that has really shaken the core of Columbia.

You know, I’ll still feel safe, but maybe I’ll just be a little more vigilant in future.

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 346

Nudity!

I recently wrote a piece for the Union Jack Newspaper (a Brit paper in the USA) about USA vs UK attitudes to nudity. It’s amazing where my research will take me! Are our cultures divided by whether or not we can handle a bit of flashing the flesh?!

She was nudey-pants a lot.

She was nudey-pants a lot.

It was a great, fun piece to write – I expect it will generate a whole lot of debate (and I do wonder if folks will be starkers when they are tapping away on their keyboards…..!)

Here it is for your Friday viewing pleasure!

Only one more snow day

The schools only have one more allotted snow day to cash in on. So, snow, snow if you must, but please ensure that the schools add that on at the end of the school year so that I can have a no-kids-swimday before the summer break. Thanks 😉

Ugh (unless there is extra pool time...)

Ugh (unless there is extra pool time…)

Steelers

A word on the Steelers. Poor Harry has rocked the sensibilities of the Ravens fans here in Baltimore, especially his honorary American godfather, Tom Coale. His response to Harry’s choice of football team? ‘Anyone but the Steelers, Claire. How about the Seahawks?’ I hear ya!

It might be like, if we were expats in the UK, Harry living in Liverpool and him deciding to support Manchester City. But apparently, the Steelers aren’t even considered in that league. Oh well, this is an American life lesson. Let’s see what happens when he wears that top! 😉

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 345

Pittsburgh Steelers

The kids round these parts (Maryland that is, of course) support one of two teams generally – The Baltimore Ravens or The Washington Redksins. My son, age 6, knows not a lot about American football, but such is the way of the Kindergarten classroom that the American lads in there talk mainly of football, what with the Superbowl looming and all that important eating – sorry, I mean football.

Anyhow, Harry wanted to see the teams that were available to support and after a while procrastinating over this important, life changing decision he has decided he will start to whoop and cheer and raise a large foam finger for The Pittsburgh Steelers. His reasoning?

1. ‘No one at school supports them and somebody has to, otherwise they will be left out, so I think it should be me’; and
2. ‘I like the green (I think it’s black?!) and yellow’.

I'm going to have to start paying attention to American football!

I’m going to have to start paying attention to American football!

So, Pittsburgh Steelers it is. He declared, like all good sports fans, that he needed a top to show his support, and he chose a #43 jersey (listen to me using the lingo!) for Troy Polamalu – he pretty much liked the name of the dude.

And what a dude!

Troy Polamalu - I think I might be supporting him too ;)

Troy Polamalu – I think I might be supporting him too 😉

Troy gets the piss taken out of him all the time for his wild hair…..but that won’t bother Harry.

Wild it is!

Wild it is!

British slang

I’ve recently stumbled across The Septic’s Companion, which is a site that provides translations of British words, in a somewhat irreverent fashion. It’s fun, especially for Americans who like a good old bit of bloody British swearing (I have one friend who, whever I see her, asks me to say ‘bugger’ in my best British accent – she loves it!)

The Septic Companion

Cussing

There are even audio versions so you can really hear how we say ‘bollocks’! ‘Gubbins’, ‘easy-peasy’, and ‘piss-artist’ are all there in too!

‘Gubbins’! What a great word that I must use much more often when I write and talk and all that gubbins – see, I used it – hooray!

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 344

Cheerio Martin O’Malley

Hot totty of Maryland, the one and only Governor Martin O’Malley, is giving his last ‘State of the State’ address today.

I’m guessing he’ll mention Baltimore a lot. He perhaps won’t mention how The Wire’s Mayor Carcetti is based on him, and maybe he won’t talk about how much I love his arms and how I wish that I could go and rock out with him in some bar sometime as he plays on his guitar. Nevermind, it’s not to be 😉

Just one chance to see you rock out in a bar, that's all I ask ;)

Just one chance to see you rock out in a bar, that’s all I ask 😉

Sometimes I forget I am in America

Sometimes I do, I forget I am in America and I’m just living life and then – BAM! I see something that reminds me.

Like an old dude in a baseball cap driving a 1980s clapped-out Chevy. You’d never get that in the UK. Fabulous!

Distinctly American :)

Distinctly American 🙂

British food in the USA

Occasionally I’ve asked my hubby or visitors coming from the UK to bring me stuff. Dairy Milk sometimes, but usually it’s Dove Invisible Dry Deodorant (honestly – you cannot get it here in the USA – in fact, the whole deodorant thing deserves a blog of its own, because for a country that is so advanced, it’s choice of deodorants is CRAP 😉 )

Anyway, back to food. I did buy some Branston Pickle off the British shelf in the store the other day, only because we were having some American friends round and I thought it might be a jolly British thing to have on the table when the cheese and biscuits came out, but to honest, most people went for the homemade blueberry jelly and the spiced apple chutney, so sorry Mr Branston, your pickle’s being passed over for some fancier condiments.

Top pickle

Top pickle

For an article I was writing I asked a bunch of Brits in the USA which foods from the motherland they missed the most whilst over here. Believe me, this topic of conversation can get some British eyes welling up as they talk of long-lost loves like Pickled Onion Monster Munch and McVities Digestives….but what are the top things that they really miss?

Read my article for the wonderful Smitten by Britain website here – enjoy (with a custard cream, if you can get your hands on one!)

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 343

My poem about the Winter Storm, Janus

We are in the grip of a snow storm, and it’s doing me ‘ead in!

So, confined to the house yesterday, I wrote this very poem….

Dear Janus, you can kiss my an*s.
Please bugger off so I can go back to work;
Baking cakes and making play-doh is driving me beserk.
I can’t wear Daisy Dukes in the snow
So I just eat Nutella on the couch, don’t ya know.
And, whilst you look lovely and pristine,
You’re messing with my plans, if you know what I mean.
So, winter storm of doom named Janus,
I don’t care if your polar vortex is rather famous;
Just get out of town and leave us alone –
Cos I can’t get out the front door and I’m stuck here at home 😦

The snow is driving me craaaazy!

The snow is driving me craaaazy!

Today the high is -11 degrees C. Flippin’ freezing!

How people stumble across my blog…

I’m always fascinated by how people stumble across my blog. These are some of my favourite search terms recently that people have put in to Google and then, by chance, found my blog….

‘porn american disperate housewife’ (sic)
‘upper class america’
‘housewives on ft bragg’
‘cowgirls’
‘i could care less how you feel’
‘housewife underwear’
‘naked British lady’

😉

Buy Downton tea

Yes, Dowtown Abbey fans – you buy Downton tea. Tea with Lady Mary on, tea with Lord Grantham on. You choose – English Rose or Breakfast Blend 😉 Go on, America – get all with the Crawleys!

That must be right, proper tea that.

That must be right, proper tea that.

Lost in the Pond post

I love words, and I love the English language. Being over here, I am also learning to appreciate the American-English language. Top blog site Lost in the Pond is all about the differences between our language styles, so I got my ‘two cents’ in and wrote about the things that I’ve adapted in my own language use since I’ve been in the States.
Happy reading!

Yup.

Yup.

How to address the Queen

I got a lovely email from an American asking me how to address the Queen when you write to her. I replied that it would be to ‘Her Majesty the Queen’, but I had to double check.

Her Maj!

Her Maj!

FYI, these are the guidelines from Buckingham Palace….

‘You can write to Her Majesty at the following address:
Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA

If you wish to write a formal letter, you can open with ‘Madam’ and close the letter with the form ‘I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servant’.

This traditional approach is by no means obligatory. You should feel free to write in whatever style you feel comfortable.’

Alright then, love, how’s it going or such like, then 😉

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