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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 482

Posted on September 10, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Creatives award

A piece that my lovely friend Kate Evans and I put together for Global Living Magazine about her expat experience in Botswana and the difficulty of coming back home has won a ‘creatives’ award. How lovely!

See the award here 🙂

Good to be curious!

Confederate flag at school football game

There was some controversy in Howard County recently when a student unfurled a Confederate flag at a high school football game.

The student displayed the flag while standing at the top of the bleachers during the season opener between Glenelg and River Hill high schools last Friday night. The student was immediately told to take the flag down.

Controversial, as you can imagine

Ken Ulman, Chief Executive of Howard County says this: “My response to the incident that happened during a recent HCPSS football game: “Public displays of the Confederate Flag evoke division, hate and subjugation — precisely the opposite of the values we hold in Howard County, and in Maryland. We must teach our kids why this is such a hurtful symbol to so many people. We must fight against injustice and intolerance in any form, especially at our schools.”

Ray Rice

An American friend asked me what I thought of all the Baltimore Ravens/Ray Rice debacle happening in America this week.

I honestly couldn’t give a flying oojamaflip about American football, but I do give a flying oojamaflip about domestic violence.

So, I responded thus in my best British, pulling out my very best British vocabulary, much as I would back home if some over-paid knob-head tosspot had punched his girlfriend in a lift or an elevator or wherever:

‘What an utter w*nker.’

Please feel free to adopt this phrase, America.

Pedestrian crossings in suburban America

I was under the impression that a pedestrian crossings in suburban America, where I live, that the pedestrian has the right of way. I think Americans call them ‘crosswalks’, but whatever they are called, there is this sign clearly displayed:

I think this is pretty clear!

Yesterday evening I let my son walk to the Back to School party ‘on his own’. I stood 20 feet behind him as he waited to cross the road at a pedestrian crossing. Four cars went speeding straight over the crossing while he waited.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen drivers ignore people at pedestrian crossings here. I see it nearly every day. One car nearly rammed me up the arse when I stopped for a mum pushing a buggy last week. Sigh.

The majority of drivers here do stop, but it’s a bit hit and miss (pun intended) as to whether they will or not. My American friend says this: ‘I’m always shocked whenever in Europe and people stop for pedestrians waiting to cross. Not sure why people don’t comprehend that here.’

And a visiting Brit commented thus: ‘I was surprised by the lack of pavements when I was in your area….perhaps few people walk alongside roads these days….but mostly surprised when people didn’t stop their cars for others to cross the road…maybe living in the UK this becomes part of normal life/behaviour?’

I think it’s the fact that walking is not the norm here; everyone is in their cars, so there is little expectation or room for anticipation for someone to actually be at a pedestrian crossing.

Anyway, my comment on this is: Slow the frigging hell down drivers and stop at the crosswalk!

#rantover 😉

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, American football, Americans, Baltimore Ravens, Blog, British, Confederate flag, Creatives Alice Award, crosswalks, Culture, Displaced Nation, Dr Kate Evans, driving, English, Europe, expat, expats, Global Living Magazine, high school, hocoblogs@@@, Howard County, Ken Ulman, lifestyle, pedestrian crossings, Ray Rice, UK, USA, walking | 13 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 481

Posted on September 9, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

How to be British

An American friend asked me if her British accent passed muster the other day. It was pretty good. She said she had found a site about being British and she would attempt to pass herself off as one when she was on her holibobs in the UK. Good luck to her with that! 😉

This is that site.

The bit on the site that I identified as highlighting a real difference is the way we speak, particularly the syntax and vocabulary we use.

Such as this:

In response to a question with an auxiliary and main verb, Brits respond with both: “Could you do the washing up for me?” “Could do” or “will do” (as opposed to the American, “I could.”)
“Do you have…?” in American correlates to, “Have you got…?”
Watch out for things like “at/in hospital,” instead of “at the hospital.”
Brits use the past perfect (“I have eaten”) much more often than Americans, who automatically go for the past simple (“I ate”).

We’re not very good at this, though.

I recently wrote a note to an American friend (I know – I wrote a note – does anyone do that anymore?!). In it I wrote ‘I shall definitely do this in October‘. She wrote back to say that she never hears anyone in America conjugate the verb ‘shall’, and that it was very quaint and perfectly British! 🙂

Lie back and think of England

Sometimes when I am teaching abs class I mutter this to myself (at least I thought it was to myself): ‘Lie back and think of England’.

One of my students today asked me if I say this because I am homesick.

🙂

How I laughed inside!

Happy 60th birthday to Ruby Bridges!

Today is the anniversary of when the six-year-old Ruby Bridges famously became the first African-American child to desegregate an all-white elementary school in the South. When the 1st grader walked to William Frantz Elementary School in New Orleans on November 14, 1960 surrounded by a team of U.S. Marshals, she was met by a vicious mob shouting and throwing objects at her.

This is the story:

One of the federal marshals, Charles Burks, who served on her escort team, recalls Bridges’ courage in the face of such hatred: “For a little girl six years old going into a strange school with four strange deputy marshals, a place she had never been before, she showed a lot of courage. She never cried. She didn’t whimper. She just marched along like a little soldier. We were all very proud of her.”

60 years ago

Once Ruby entered the school, she discovered that it was devoid of children because they had all been removed by their parents due to her presence. The only teacher willing to have Ruby as a student was Barbara Henry, who had recently moved from Boston. Ruby was taught by herself for her first year at the school due to the white parents’ refusal to have their children share a classroom with a black child.

Despite daily harassment, which required the federal marshals to continue escorting her to school for months; threats towards her family; and her father’s job loss due to his family’s role in school integration, Ruby persisted in attending school. The following year, when she returned for second grade, the mobs were gone and more African-American students joined her at the school. The pioneering school integration effort was a success due to Ruby Bridges’ inspiring courage, perseverance, and resilience.

Wow.

The Life of a TV extra

I promise, promise, promise that I won’t go on about being an extra on a TV show, but my editor for the Baltimore Post Examiner asked me to write a piece about what it’s like being an extra.

This is that piece. 🙂

Posted in Travel | Tagged accents, African-American, America, American, Americans, Baltimore Post Examiner, Blog, Britain, British, British accent, British language, England, English, hocoblogs@@@, homesick, Lie back and think of England, lifestyle, New Orleans, Ruby Bridges, UK, USA | 3 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 480

Posted on September 8, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

British put downs

A recent reader of my Desperate English Housewife in Washington Facebook page asked me ‘Why do the Brits either hate Americans or continually make fun of them? Is that just part of their “charm”?’

I replied: ‘Good question. We tend to make fun of those who are in a high position. In shows such as X Factor we always champion the underdog and the winner never does well, despite getting all the votes in the first place. What an odd bunch we are!’

We Brits like a bit of self-deprecation – it’s our dry wit! 😉 But we also enjoy putting down others. For example: “Colin Firth got nominated for an Oscar? That’s wonderful. But, of course, he’ll lose.”

I stole this bit from BBC America’s bit about Brits to help you understand our British need to halt any show or outpouring of pride (we’re not comfortable with that, most of the time).

You’re welcome!

Enjoying the Misfortune of Others
Nothing brightens a Brit’s day like discovering someone we didn’t particularly like lost their job or misspelled a status update. I get a smugness buzz every time I clock an acquaintance’s incorrect apostrophe usage. Americans, meanwhile, seem to spend less time thinking about other people, in a good way.

Doing Ourselves Down
As previously mentioned, Brits revel in the downfall of others. But we don’t want to come off as mean so we also make a point of knocking our own achievements. This makes us miserable. On the plus side, there’s the option of an “I never boasted about my Nobel prize on Facebook” gravestone inscription. (Note: a posthumous brag is borderline acceptable.)

We are strange beasts!

Criss-cross apple sauce

In school in the USA, Harry is told to sit this way: ‘criss-cross apple sauce’. I’d never heard that before I came here.

Today he asked me what we call it in England, and I replied: ‘Sit up straight with your legs crossed.’

He nodded solemnly, maybe understanding the difference between how he will be taught in England when he returns and how he is being taught to do things here.

Criss cross apple sauce, innit

Using the British accent

I had a gentle warning from a blog reader about using the life-saver that is the British accent in the USA…

‘Your story about using your accent to get out of a speeding ticket cracked me up. I have a British friend here who has had that happen at least 3 times. The British accent is like a super power here — it makes us Americans all delighted and obliging and submissive, so please use it wisely!’

Terribly well heard, and point taken, what, what, jolly ho! 😉

Posted in Travel | Tagged BBC America, British accent, British charm, British humour, criss cross apple sauce, self deprecation, X factor | 7 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 479

Posted on September 7, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

On the telly!

Well, Desperados, I had my USA TV debut last night and in case you missed it, here are some shots from the show, Investigation Discovery’s Season 3 episode, Blood Ties, where I play a cop!

Going in…

Spotting the bodies

Calling for back up

Asking the neighbours about the commotion

Getting serious!

If you want to see the trailer for the show it’s here. It’s purdy good!

This is how I reacted when seeing myself on TV in America at 930pm on a Saturday night:

‘Oooh, it’s me, it’s me! Quick, pause! Hahahaha, look, I’m a cop! Woohoo, I’m on the telly! Awesome!‘ (Btw, this was all to myself since I watching it on my tod!)

Obviously, I was in no way excited by this event 😉

I was most happy that everything I filmed was in the show, and even though the close up is less than flattering (be honest, it is!!), hey who cares – I got my mug on the telly in the USA! Tick that one off the bucket list! 🙂

Fyi, when I spoke during filming, I used a really bad faux-American accent (just in case, ya know) that ranged from South Carolina to Boston. It’s a good job there is a narrative voice over during the scenes!

The show is running off and on during September on the ID channel, so do check it out if you didn’t catch it last night, and I’ll be sure to let you Brits know when it’s on.

And my other ID show will be in December, and then House of Cards in February! Whoop!

British/American History

An American blog reader of this very blog alerted me to some British/American shenanigans that have been taking place recently.

She says: ‘ We Yanks have done some rather bizarre things to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the burning of our capital. Case in point: the recent Flee the British 5K race’ in DC.’

Run, Americans, run!

(Hmm, I wonder if next year I can dress up in old British military uniform and pop out and scare the crap out of the American runners, like the zombies do in the Zombie races….) 😉

She adds: ‘Last weekend. in nearby Alexandria, Virginia — which, defenseless after the burning of Washington, surrendered to the British in 1814 to avoid the destruction of the city — the City challenged the British Embassy to a ‘rematch’ involving a cricket match, a yacht race, and a tug-of-war. (Bizarrely, the Americans won all three (who knew there was actually a Washington Cricket League?).

‘The Mayor of Alexandria concluded that the Brits must have been letting us win in deference to this being Alexandria’s day of celebration 🙂 .

‘Anyway, I like how different towns, which were the sites of War of 1812 battles or occupations, have been using this year to celebrate 200 years of peace and friendship between America and Britain — we are lucky to have such a GREAT (yes I’m patterning that after the recent Visit Britain campaign) friend.’

Ah, we love ya too, America!

Posted in Travel | Tagged 1812, Alexandria, America, American, American independence, Americans, Blog, Blood ties, Britain, British, British American relations, British Embassy, bucket list, cricket, DC, England, expat, expats, hocoblogs@@@, House of Cards, ID season 3, Investigation Discovery, sailing, tug of war, UK, USA, Virginia | 3 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 478

Posted on September 6, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Upsetting the Ravens fans…

In Maryland I know a lot of Ravens football fans. They are generally horrified at this account that took place in our home this week. 😉 #sorrynotsorry

Husband: Harry, I got us tickets to see the Ravens play! [fyi, fellow Brits, astronomically expensive tickets for an American football game]

Harry: Ugh, I hate the Ravens. Just cos everyone else likes the Ravens, it doesn’t mean I have to. [My son is ‪#‎notasheep‬]

Husband: They’re playing the Steelers…..

Harry: Yey, I love the Steelers! [fyi, he has never seen the Steelers ever before but just ‘supports’ them because he feels sorry for them]

Husband: Well it will be a good game then.

Harry: Yes, I only like the Steelers and the Oreos*

(*he means Orioles, fellow Brits, who are the Baltimore baseball team….)

Hmmm, I don’t think we’ve been doing very well with our American sports education……

Reverse culture shock

This is an expat piece I wrote for Global Living Magazine about returning home and all the stuff that you have to get your head round it. I’m silently preparing, folks, but there’s still so much to do here!

Click on the image to enlarge and read it!

Returning expats…

Guns in the USA

This is a slightly more controversial issue than the UK Desperate Housewife usually deals with, but sometimes topics like deer spotting in the garden (I did!) and whether they are selling Christmas stuff in Costco yet or not (they are!) don’t always pass muster.

Remember when I went shooting with the cops last year?

In action!

So, this is my ‘investigation’ into learning about, trying to understand and getting my head round guns.

The long and the short of it is that if someone pulled out a gun, I’d be pretty darn scared. Fact.

What I do appreciate and understand is that much of the USA has a different mentality to guns and gun ownership than the UK, and as expats in America it’s a topic some Brits struggle with. I’m trying to get it, and this piece is about that.

Hey, if you don’t like it, don’t shoot me. (Bad joke, sorry.)

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Baltimore, baseball, Blog, Britain, British, cops, Culture, English, expats, football, Global Living Magazine, gun safety, gun violence, guns, hocoblogs@@@, lifestyle, maryland, Orioles, Ravens, reverse culture shock, Steelers, Thoughts, Travel, UK, USA | 5 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 477

Posted on September 5, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

My name American-stylie

American woman to me: ‘What’s your name?’
‘Claire.’
‘How do you spell that?’
‘C-L-A-I-R-E’
‘Oh…Claire! That’s my middle name!’
‘Oh ha ha! How do you say it then?’
‘I say it Clay-air. I am from the South, ya know.’
‘Funny! I realised when I came to America I suddenly had two syllables in my name.’
‘Well, I shall say it all British like you now. I like it! Fancy!’

Claire or Clay-air? You decide 😉

Remember to set your TV to record cos I’m on the telly!

Remember in May when I filmed being a cop finding dead bodies and saying ‘there’s nothing to see here, folks’ for a TV show? Well, my 5.22 seconds in the Investigation Discovery Channel show Deadly Affairs will be aired Saturday 6 September, 9pm! Hoorah!

Wait for the bit when they either a) find the two lesbians’ bodies or b) when the neighbours are trying to find out what went on the morning after the night before – those’ll be my bits if they didn’t end up on the cutting room floor!

The obligatory ‘whodunnit’ cop-in-the-loo selfie 😉

‘Deadly Affairs (Season 3), Blood Ties, TV-14 CC – Kathy Augustine is now on her fourth hubby, Chaz Higgs. But a whirlwind romance that seems like heaven, soon leads to hell. Later, her daughter Dallas is no stranger to a bad romance, and learns the most unconventional love triangles can be deadliest.’

I’m not sure if it’s airing in the UK, but I bet you’ll be able to find it courtesy of the World Wide Webology thing soon enough!

And then today I played a ‘party-goer’ for a different episode about some serial dating firefighter who’s having it off with all the chicks he can left, right, and up the ladder.

This is moi hanging with the firefighter dudes!

Party-goer and firefighters. This is how we roll 🙂

What fun! I’ll let you know when it airs, cos I defo got lots of flirty camera time in this one! 😉

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Blog, Blood ties, Britain, British, Chaz Higgs, cop, Dallas, Deadly Affairs, English, expat, firefighters, hocoblogs@@@, Investigation Discovery, Kathy Augustine, pronunciation, UK, USA | Leave a comment

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 476

Posted on September 2, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

How Brits celebrate Labor Day

Labor Day in the USA is like the Bank Holibobs in the UK.

So, how do we Brits celebrate it? Playing a traditional British sport, of course. Cricket, with rain intervals, naturally.

I’m a natural (ahem… 😉 )

Bowled for a googlie, or whatever it’s called!

Welcome Fall

It’s feeling like Fall is on its way in Maryland, except that it’s still 90-odd degrees and sticky.

Fall is on its way in the USA

We only have one more year left in the USA, and that’s a hard one to get my Desperate Housewife head round. Four more seasons, 11 more months.

Much to do. Roll out the bucket list and get my head round the process of repatriation…….

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Autumn, Bank Holidays, Britain, British, bucket list, cricket, Culture, England, English, expat, fall, hocoblogs@@@, holibobs, Labor Day, maryland, repatriation, tradition, UK, USA, weather | 8 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 475

Posted on September 1, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Homecoming!

Apparently, it’s nearly time for Homecoming in the US high schools. Despite hearing this phrase a lot in movies and wot not, I don’t actually know what this means, since we don’t have it in the UK.

It means this: ‘Homecoming is the tradition of welcoming back alumni of a school. It is a tradition in many universities, colleges and high schools in the United States. It usually includes activities for students and alumni, such as sports and culture events and a parade through the streets of the city or town and the traditional Homecoming dance.’

Right, so if I get this straight, older dudes and chicks who have experienced something of the world come back and impart their knowledge and experience about what actually happens in college, fraternities and sororities and all that shenanigans with the innocent young high schoolers. And as an innocent young high schooler you get to hang out with college dudes. Excellent, sounds like fun! Where can I get a ticket to the dance? 😉

Don’t tarnish their innocent young high school minds! 😉

The USA does chicken wings

My British mate over here loves American chicken wings. He says he doesn’t know what he’ll do to find an equivalent back in the UK. I admit, they’re pretty special on the old Americana menu. But just why are they soooo popular?!

I think Buffalo chicken wings may have become the country’s favorite football-watching food, cos every match I’ve seen they make an appearance. There are rumours that the USA is running out of wings because the wings have become the most expensive part of the chicken due to their popularity when fried and covered in Buffalo sauce. Ah, that Buffalo sauce, or Old Bay Spice (a Maryland fave!).

A Buffalo chicken wing, hot wing, or wing, in the cuisine of the United States, is generally deep-fried, unbreaded, and coated in vinegar-based cayenne pepper hot sauce and butter in the chicken. They are traditionally served hot, along with celery sticks and/or carrot sticks with blue cheese dressing for dipping. Yes, they aren’t that healthy, but they are very ruddy tasty!

That’s them wings!

There are several different claims about how Buffalo wings were created, but the most popular one is this:

Buffalo wings were first prepared at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York, by Teressa Bellissimo who owned the bar along with her husband Frank. This is the story….

Upon the unannounced, late-night arrival of their son, Dominic, with several of his friends from college, Teressa needed a fast and easy snack to present to her hungry guests. It was then that she came up with the idea of deep frying chicken wings (normally thrown away or reserved for stock) and tossing them in cayenne hot sauce.

They say: “It was Friday night in the bar and since people were buying a lot of drinks he wanted to do something nice for them at midnight when the mostly Catholic patrons would be able to eat meat again.” He stated that it was his mother, Teressa, who came up with the idea of chicken wings. There was mis-delivery of wings instead of backs and necks for making the bar’s spaghetti sauce. Faced with this unexpected resource, Frank Bellissimo says that he asked Teressa to do something with them.

However they were invented, they are a certain staple of the American eating-out diet and I can’t think of our British equivalent just yet…..

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, American food, American traditions, Americans, British, Buffalo wings, chicken wings, Culture, high school, hocoblogs@@@, homecoming, homecoming dance, Old Bay Spice, Teressa Bellissimo, UK, USA | 2 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 474

Posted on September 1, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Footie podcast

The dulcet, and very British, tones of the UK Desperate Housewife USA have been used to introduce a very funny footie podcast called Canons and Cockerels. Smashing!

Do check it out here! 🙂

Annapolis

I can’t express how much I love Annapolis. Every time I go there the pleasure of walking in the cobbled streets and seeing the mish-mash of fascinating houses and glorious history increases. This is a little part of America that I will be coming back to a lot this year – I didn’t visit it enough last year (I think of American years as August-July, only because I arrived in August 2012!).

Lovely houses, but can someone tell me the story of the all the wreaths?

Lovely houses, but can someone tell me the story of all the wreaths?

What a town!

The Governor’s Mansion is always worth a peak to see if Martin O’Malley is up and about early for brekkie or doing his push ups on the front lawn. Dammit, he wasn’t today! 😉

Morning Governor!

Oh, and boat rides in the rain and thunder storms with the #hocohomos are certainly part of the Annapolis experience!

Now, the boat we went out in Annapolis Harbor was called DELTA SPIRIT, which, my British friend pointed out, are actually the names of the two worst (cheap as chips) airlines that fly from Baltimore. Thus, he concluded, this would be the same as calling a British boat after our two worst airlines: EASYJET RYANAIR. Not so glam is it?!

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American high schools, American history, Americans, Annapolis, Britain, British, British accent, Canons and Cockerels podcast, Culture, English, football, Governor of Maryland, high school, history, hocoblogs@@@, hocohomos, Martin O'Malley, maryland, soccer, UK, USA, weather, wreaths | Leave a comment

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 473

Posted on August 29, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

CHiPs!

OMG, I totes forgot to tell a California roadtrip story from July.

It went like this, as we were coming out of Santa Barbara to Carmel.

Husband: ‘Look at all those signs saying that the California Highway Patrol are out on the roads today.’
Me: ‘Oooh, CHiPs! Cool! I hope we get pulled over.’

Twenty minutes later…..

Me: ‘Uh oh, that cop car just spotted you speeding.’ [Looking in the mirror]. ‘Yep, he’s totally behind you. Yes, he has his sirens on. Oh yes! [Excited now] He’s pulling us over! Can I take a picture?’
Hubby: ‘No you bloody well can’t.’

Anyway, the long and the short of it was that we weren’t going THAT fast and the cop had been to the UK and so we had a lovely natter in our best British accents, and, along with the fact that I was wearing my Daisy Dukes at the time and had purposefully put my legs up on the dashboard (excellent distraction technique 😉 ), we got a warning, but no ticket.

And, sadly, I didn’t get a picture.

They were dudes!

Being a Housewife in the USA

Sometimes, when the sun isn’t shining and I’m not gadding about doing super fun UK Desperate Housewife USA things, I have to be a proper housewife and actually clean the house, which I am not very good at. Fact.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds in the USA. This is mainly owing to the fact that I have carpets (unlike at home, where we have laminate flooring – ahem, I mean proper oak 😉 ).

It’s also because of the electricity here. It makes the hoover totally rubbish and it picks nothing up whatsover. My dad tried to fix it whilst he was here, but the long and the short of it is that because of the electricity power surge wotnot being less than back home that vacuum cleaner isn’t doing what it should. I’ve given up on the American one and resorted to my British one.

In addition, I have tried and tried to work out what American household cleaners do what to get stains off the carpets, but none seem to do the job. Oh, how I miss my easy-to-clean laminate (read as ‘real solid oak’ 😉 ) floors back in the UK.

Anyway, these are my top tips for other UK Desperate Housewives in the USA!

Enough of This Mess — Cleaning Hacks for a Happy Home

Some people just hate having to clean. It might be nice to keep a tidy house and it might be satisfying to see everything sparkling, but the actual act of cleaning can be enough to bring some people out in cold sweats! (Sound familiar, Desperadoes?!) What I have found is that you can keep some of the mess under control with a Dyson Hoover (British made, don’t ya know!) to ease the pressure, but what about all the places a vacuum can’t reach? Hoorah for British hoovers!

Here are a few top cleaning hacks that can make your life easier come your cleaning day!

For a cleaner kitchen
It’s really important to keep the kitchen pristine if you are a Desperate Housewife. But it’s also one of the toughest rooms to do this in! A whole colony of grease and dust can build up on your kitchen cabinets if you’re not careful, but here’s a great tip to get rid of it. Using vegetable oil and baking soda you can scrub the gunk off your cabinets with a toothbrush to get them looking good as new. How cool is that?!

And when it comes to burnt pans, why not try boiling some rhubarb in there? How utterly lovely and British rhubarb is! The acid from the rhubarb will clean off those ghastly black stains leaving your pan sparkling.

Grease – and lint-free clothing
No sooner have you lifted your fork and the food has slipped off on to your clothes, leaving big greasy stains that the washing machine just won’t get out and that’s no way for a Desperate Housewife to look. The best (and cheapest) way to get rid of grease stains? Rub white chalk over the top of them. Chalk has near-magical absorbing properties and will leave your clothes looking good as new! Fact!

Another annoying thing, or rather things, are those tiny lint balls that collect on jumpers and cotton t-shirts making them look old and worn before their time. To get rid of these, take a disposable razor and shave ‘em off! It’s simple, it’s cheap and it’s very effective. Go on, grab your hubby’s now and give it a go!

Dispensing with pesky pet hair
Love them as we do, cats and dogs tend to leave our homes dripping with yucky looking hair. I should know, I brought my cats over from the USA and their cat hair is all over my American carpets! If you have pets and your vacuum isn’t getting everything up off the carpet, get a handy squeegee and run it over the floor. You’ll be left with a large, easy to remove ball of hair and a clean carpet. That is a top tip that would earn you 10 excellent British pounds in the Woman’s Own advice column.

So there you have it, a few top cleaning tips to keep your house and you feeling and looking fresh just like in Wysteria Lane! With the help of these and your best British vacuum cleaner, you can keep the mess at bay for longer.

Now breathe… isn’t that better!?

And go and put the kettle on! 😉