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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 442

Posted on July 2, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

The Inside Lane

Recently, I’ve thrown all British caution to the wind when driving, and thought to myself ‘sod it’, I’ll just over (under) take in the inside lane too, because when it boils down to it, I’ve also got somewhere to go, and when all the other buggers are driving like maniacs and undertaking on the inside lane it ain’t worth hanging out in the middle lane and being all polite and British and waiting for the outside lane to become free.

So, yes, America, I’m there with you, undertaking like a crazy-ass driver. And, my, isn’t it liberating! 😉

Hmmm……

The Kettle Blog

Well, that kettle blog had a few people talking. Kettles really are not a thing in America. Who knew! Mind well and truly blown!

And ‘hello’ to all those folks who have stopped me in the park or emailed me about that particular blog.

Long live The Kettle! 🙂

Heat Advisory

‘It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes…’

I’m just quoting a line from a song, not actually telling you to do that, nor am I going to do that myself, because I will almost certainly get chucked out of the Columbia Association community pools if I attempt that. 😉

But….today we have a Heat Advisory in Maryland where we are advised to ‘take precautions if you must spend much time outdoors today’ (I MUST because I am scheduled to be at the pool 😉 ). The forecast is HOT, with temperatures set to climb to the upper 90s, with heat index values up to 105 degrees for most of the advisory period.

Danger, danger, high voltage!

Obvs, I will be SENSIBLE and not OVERDO it. Obvs.

Relocation Expert

Last night I spent over an hour talking to an amazing woman called Allegra Stein, who is a life coach and relocation expert, about what it’s REALLY like to be an expat, how it feels to relocate, what my frustrations are and what makes me tick, and what my dreams and ambitions are whilst I’m here and how I’m going to fulfil them.

It was both inspiring and thought-provoking as she coached me through how I can achieve what I really wish to in my expat life. Because my expat life is an opportunity and I’ve only ever looked at it as that.

I refer to my ‘About’ intro on this blog. I’m still dreaming, but after talking to Allegra, I think I’ve cleared my mind and my crazy schedule to make this a reality. Because, it is possible, if you’re prepared to get out and swim for it. 🙂

What did I say back in August 2012 about my expat dreams of being out here in the USA? I said this: ‘Am I a dreamer….? Yes! Would I like to go on Good Morning America every Friday for an update on my week in the merry old Land of Big Macs? Yes! Would I like to write a column for the Washington Post / Marie Claire all about these adventures? Yes, yes please!’

Hi, this the UK Desperate Housewife USA reporting….! 🙂

Posted in Travel | Tagged Allegra Stein, ambition, America, American, Americans, Blog, Britain, British, Columbia, Columbia Association, Culture, driving, expat, expat life, expats, Good Morning America, heat advisory, hocoblogs@@@, inside lane, kettles, life coach, maryland, overtaking, relocation, Travel, UK, undertaking, USA, Washington Post | 5 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 441

Posted on June 30, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

‘Put the what on?’

Episode #1

Recently I was at my American friend’s house and I asked if I could ‘put the kettle on’. Yes, this is a very British thing to do, naturally.

Her husband looked up in shock.

‘Do we have a kettle?’ he asked.

His wife shook her head. ‘Just microwave some water in a cup,’ she said. And I did just that.

A very British kettle

Episode #2

I was at another friend’s house and it was 94 degrees outside. The combined factors of it being 3pm and that I am British meant that I needed a cup of tea.

I looked for the kettle. There was not one in sight, so I microwaved my water, plopped in my tea bag, and headed back out to the poolside, to much mirth at the fact that I was having a cup of tea in the sweltering heat.

So…I began to ponder. Do Americans not have kettles? Why had I not noticed this before? Is it really a British thing? I feel like I now need to conduct a survey of American friends to find out who has a kettle in their kitchen.

I also began to research this fact. Some bloke called Roy Sutherland has written an article on why Americans don’t have kettles. Yes, really he has.

He says this:

‘…..Browsing through Virginia Postrel’s column on cookery equipment on the US website Bloomberg.com, I was astonished to come across this recommendation among a list of fairly obscure kitchen implements:

Cuisinart electric kettle, $65. You may have gone to Britain and experienced the joy of their electric kettles, which heat up water for tea almost instantly. Sadly, you will not experience that joy on this side of the pond, because they use 220-volt power and we use 110, which apparently means that our electric kettles cannot heat up water as fast as theirs. However, an electric kettle is still extremely useful. It heats up water faster than a stovetop kettle and you can’t burn out the bottom of the pot. Also excellent for offices and dorm rooms. I have this Cuisinart, which is nice because the kettle itself is wireless (there’s a base with a heating element that plugs in).‘

Tea time, folks

Then he adds this:

‘Seriously? Americans can put a man on the moon and build the USS Nimitz, yet in 2014 you need to travel to Britain to experience the electric kettle? And people need a detailed explanation of what one is, and is used for?’

(He also congratulates Britain on its use of roundabouts, but laughs at the fact we don’t all have dishwashers. Fact: we did not have a dishwasher in our UK house until 2010, and we only got one when we extended our kitchen, cos one would not have fitted in our previous miniscule cubby-hole of a kitchen.)

Anyway, that is the phenomenon of The Kettle in America-land.

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, Americans, Britain, British, Culture, cup of tea, England, English, expat, hocoblogs@@@, kettle, put the kettle on, UK, USA | 23 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 440

Posted on June 29, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Football/soccer USA

There’s some crazy broad in the USA saying that soccer is BAD for you.

Not guns, or sugar, or drink(drunk)-driving, but FOOTBALL.

In the midst of the world’s World Cup joy, that even the USA are sharing (yes, it’s getting popular!), the crazy cow said that “any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.”

Really? Yes, really. (Actually, my dentist says that high fructose corn syrup is the biggest perpetrator of decay in the USA, but that’s another story…. 😉 ).

Ann Coulter suggested soccer is not a “real sport” and that the game pushes a liberal agenda on the American public.

I think there are a few Brits, Brazlians, Chileans, Italians, Spanish, French and AMERICANS in the USA who would disagree.

Ann ‘crazy-ass’ Coulter

The complete nutter (yes, I think she’s a total looney) writes this: “In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called ‘soccer moms,’ not ‘football moms.”

She adds, in another crazy-ass rant, this: “Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.”

“If more ‘Americans’ are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law,” she wrote. “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

I am, literally, Gobsmacked of England.

On a lighter note, I heard some other broad talking on a Washington radio station about Uruguay player Luis Suarez (the dude who bit another dude). Except that she was calling him Louis Sanchez. It amused and annoyed me to hear this being mis-pronounced.

The infamous bite

Come on American ladies – get with the USA soccer programme, ‘cos I think it’s here to stay!

Stay-cation

We like to travel a lot in our expat time here because we want to see as many places in the USA as we can.

But this weekend we stayed local, realising there were still many places in our ‘own backyard’ that we hadn’t visited yet.

So, yesterday we had a Columbia, Maryland Stay-cation, and very pleasant it was too!

Wilde Lake, Columbia

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Ann Coulter, Britain, British, Columbia, Culture, England, English, football, hocoblogs@@@, Howard County, lifestyle, Luis Suarez, maryland, soccer, soccer moms, stay-cation, Travel, UK, USA, Wilde Lake | 5 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 439

Posted on June 27, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

July 4th

It’s nearly the 4th of July, which is that awkward day of the year for us Brits in the USA, when we smile and then lower our heads and hide somewhere and drink tea and pretend we get what the fuss is all about.

This sums up how we feel about ‘Independence Day’, performed most excellently, and, of course, very tongue in cheek, by the brilliant Stephen Merchant. (Contains British swearing, naturally!) 😉

‘Mouse of Yards’

Yesterday I did a whole looooonnnnggggg day’s filming for ‘House of Cards’, the super dooper Netflix TV show.

But I can’t talk about it, since I had to sign a confidentiality agreement.

So, instead I am going to talk about being an extra on ‘Mouse of Yards’.

1. Being an extra is a long process. It ain’t glamorous. You either sit and stand around for a long, long time, thinking about things that you haven’t thought about in ages, or talking to your co-extras about other stuff you’ve done/been in.

2. As an extra, you eat a lot. Because when you’re not sitting around or standing, you take a break and therefore take advantage of the food that is available. The ‘Mouse of Yards’ food offering was top-notch and plentiful!

3. I did not see ‘Devin Macey’, sadly as he was not on set, but there were two big scenes with ‘Bobbin Bright’, which was super awesome. Plus, her character is called ‘Claire’ so sometimes I thought the director was talking to me, which he obviously wasn’t!

Devin and Bobbin

4. A dude from ‘Breaking Bad’ was in the cast and he rocked it.

5. There was a British woman in the cast who reads my blog! Coolio!

6. When, as an extra, you get the chance to react to something in the scene, you give it your all! Cue over the top facial expressions and mumblings. Note to extras: don’t make noise. Ever.

7. AmericanvsBritish fact: The British ‘House of Cards’ TV show, on which this American ‘Mouse of Yards’ show is based, was a 1990 political thriller television drama serial by the BBC in four episodes, set after the end of Margaret Thatcher’s tenure as Prime Minister in the UK. It was televised from 18 November to 9 December 1990, and was adapted by Andrew Davies from a novel written by Michael Dobbs, a former Chief of Staff at Conservative Party headquarters.

8. I spent a lot of time counting my Six Degrees of Separation to various famous people through standing next to ‘Bobbin Bright’ and the dude from Breaking Bad. I managed Sean Penn, Madonna, Tom Hanks, Brian Cranston and, er, Mel Smith (The Princess Bride) 😉

9. I had to wear a very conservative outfit, which included ‘pantyhose’. I can conclude that I don’t like pantyhose.

10. When the scenes were playing out, I had to pinch myself that I was there watching it for real – it was like live TV. It was unreal, and very, very cool.

The End.

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, bbc, Blog, Britain, British, Culture, cup of tea, England, English, expat, expats, hocoblogs@@@, House of Cards, Independence Day, July 4th, Kevin Spacey, Madonna, Netflix, pantyhose, Robin Wright, Stephen Merchant, The Princess Bride, Tom Hanks, UK, USA | 8 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 438

Posted on June 25, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Snake in a tree!

Yesterday I saw something in the USA that I DEFINITELY would not see in the UK…..a gurt big snake in a tree! It was a whopper and the cheeky bugger had climbed up about 12 feet into the tree to get to a bird’s nest, but them birds were having none of it and were pecking the wotsit out of that snake!

I have no idea how this fight of nature fared, cos I had to get my arse to the pool, but I’m thinking the snake may have given up.

Look at that big mother fuffer.

But wait….a snake that size makes his way round Lake Elkhorn, where we go happily a-scooting and a-running and a-walking? Holy crap!

I also found out that it is illegal in Maryland to shoot a snake, not that that thought ever crossed my mind, nor do I have a gun. Recently some dude was arrested for shooting a snake in his backyard, finding out that, when the police arrived to see who had discharged a firearm, he had in fact committed a crime and off he went to jail. Fact.

Primary Elections, USA

Yesterday I stood outside a polling station in Howard County for the Primary bit of the elections. What is it about American politics that makes it so different from British politics?

Some people might think it’s a bit more interesting, a bit more glam, a bit more pizzazz (I’ve never written that word before, so I don’t know if that’s how you spell it 😉 ).

American politics has money, for a start. And massive campaign rallies and commercials on TV that are not just some dude in a suit telling you about the miners in 1981, they have empowering speeches, TV debates that kinda work, political commentators going nuts, people going nuts, talk show coverage etc.

Oh, and the issues and topics that matter, of course. But, that aside, it is different from how it is in the UK and I can’t quite put my finger on it, though I think it may have to do, especially here in Howard County, with social class, wealth and money…… but that’s not what this blog is about, so let’s not go down THAT particular avenue!

Anyway, I think American politics feels different, it looks different and it smells different, somehow.

My dude, Tom Coale, won by a big ole, and well-deserved, majority by the way! Woop!

Jolly Ranchers

I had one today and they taste to me like 1980s America. I only say this because I must have eaten a shed load of them when I was 9 in Florida, in 1983. 🙂

Re-writing history

This is how Harry sees American history…..

‘When George Washington was President he sacrificed English people to the dinosaurs.’

Naughty George! 🙂

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, American politics, Americans, Britain, British, British politics, Culture, elections, England, English, expat, George Washington, hocoblogs@@@, Howard County, Jolly Ranchers, lifestyle, President, primary, snake in a tree, snakes, Tom Coale, Travel, UK, USA | 4 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 437

Posted on June 23, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Manhunt!

Clarksville, where I live in Maryland, is not know for its crime rate. In fact, it’s pretty darn safe all said done! Well, then, let me tell you about the little bit of excitement that happened at approx. 5.14pm on Friday.

There I was at the pool, reading a lovely book, when the sounds of police sirens on the road and helicopters in the sky began to become more insistent.

The well-to-do-folk of Clarksville wondered what on earth was disturbing the peace of the Friday afternoon pep rally at the pool (fyi, the pep rally is not actually a peaceful event – it is a godforsaken event that involves LOTS of kids, chanting, music and parents 😉 ).

Anyway, as far as we could gather some half-naked man had stolen a car and was making off with it round the streets of Clarksville.

Was this an OJ Simpson type manhunt that would be televised as he sped off down Route 32? How exciting!

Actually, no. It transpired that this was a half-naked drunk teenager who had not stolen a car, but made off in the car his parents had bought him in a bit of a mood. He was later commandeered by pissed off parents and a neighbour who is a cop.

Poolside view of the cop ‘chase’

So, sadly, it was not as dramatic as it sounded, and Clarksville remains one of the safest areas in Maryland!

(I had a top tip for the half-naked teenager: where I was at the pool there were loads of half-naked teenagers so if he was clever he’d have come there!)

Waving politicians

Something I can’t get used to here is the plethora of waving politicians on the roadside as early voting and the Primary approach.

I nearly knocked one dude off his ladder today as he waved madly with his sign to get people’s attention.

Waving dude

I guess it’s a necessary evil, but for some reason it seems on the same level as the insurance companies, cash for gold and pizza and soda for a dollar sign wavers. Just saying!

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Britain, British, cash for gold, Clarksville, cops, Culture, expat, half-naked, hocoblogs@@@, Howard County, manhunt, maryland, OJ Simpson, parents, pep rally, pizza, politicians, Politics, pools, primary, UK, USA | 7 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 436

Posted on June 19, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

The Expat Child

Ever wondered what an expat child makes of all this living abroad in the USA stuff?

This morning we are having breakfast on the deck in the sunshine.

‘It’s just like being on holiday,’ says I.
‘We are on holiday,’ says Harry.
‘Is that how it feels?’ I ask.
‘Yes, because we live in England, remember. And this is a holiday. A very, very long holiday.’

This is a jolly holiday for Harry

Paper towels/kitchen roll

Europe has it, America has it. The UK doesn’t have it.

What is it?

Half-sheet paper towels (kitchen roll to us, British folk!), that’s what.

Genius

House of Cards

Did you know that the political drama House of Cards is filmed here in Maryland? Those who live here know that and are very proud of it, and next week I’ll be hanging out at the set, swapping hilarious stories about all sorts of gubbins with Kevin Spacey, as an extra on the show!

It’s the nearest I’ll get to an invite to the White House, but I’ll take it!

Kev and Rob

What fun!

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, Americans, Blog, Britain, British, Culture, England, English, Europe, expat, Expat child, hocoblogs@@@, holiday, House of Cards, Kevin Spacey, Kitchen roll, maryland, paper towels, The White House, UK, USA | 1 Comment

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 435

Posted on June 18, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Today in the USA

1. It’s v v v v v hot. So hot, they cancelled the After-School Track and Field Event. Yes, it’s that hot.

I have to keep remembering to talk in farenheit and not in celsius, so sorry when I get it wrong Americana folk. It can be confusing, I know.

Danger, danger, high voltage!

2. The World Cup still continues. If you read my recent post at Lost in the Pond, you would have seen that I came up with some ingenious ideas for World Cup Widows during this dark time, when man is lost to the all-consuming world of football and when Nothing Else Matters.

Here are some more World Cup Widow tips to get you through the next few weeks….

a) If you want to confuse USA guests who might be watching the England game at your house, try pouring beer from a teapot into tea cups, with saucers and a little silver spoon, of course. Tell them this is a tradition when the World Cup is on in honour of Queen and country.
b) Ask your guests to help themselves to anything from the fridge. Make sure you have put some food colouring in test tubes and leave them in the fridge with labels on like ‘Magic Potion for Wart and Hair Removal’ and ‘Magic Potion for Enhanced Sex Drive’ and ‘Magic Potion for Turning Small Children into Toads‘, or even ‘Magic Potion to Make Americans Spell Words with a U’.
c) Make some money from the World Cup by coming downstairs when the game is on dressed as a ‘shot girl’ and supply shots to his friends at $5 a pop. This will make you very rich and very popular 😉

These are shot girls

3. USA schools finish this week. That’s a LONG summer. In the UK the kiddiwinks only get 6 weeks. Here it’s like an eternity. Anyway, hoorah for Summer Camps, the perfect way for everyone to spend much of the summer holibobs! That, and a trip to California 😉

Ciao!

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, beer, Britain, British, cup of tea, England, English, expat, football, heat, hocoblogs@@@, magic potions, school holidays, shot girls, summer, summer camp, UK, USA, vacation, weather, World Cup, World Cup Widow | 3 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 434

Posted on June 18, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Going out for ice-cream

I don’t think in the UK I’ve ever been ‘out for ice-cream’. But I was watching an American programme recently where the family treated themselves to a trip out for ice-cream and I regarded this as a very American thing to do that I had not done yet.

So, today I asked Harry if he wanted to go out for ice-cream.

‘Haven’t we got any in the freezer?’ he replied.
‘No, darling,’ said I. ‘This is America and if you want a special treat you go out for ice-cream.’

And so off we popped to Baskin Robbins, which is located in Dunkin Donuts, and there we sat with every other Tom, Dick and Harry who had decided to go out for ice-cream.

It really is a thing this ‘going out for ice-cream’.

Out for ice-cream

We saw a whole big family with grandparents, parents and grandkids (unfortunately we stood behind them in the queue and it took forevvvvvvver); two hunky firefighters, both of whom had sprinkleson their cones, bless ’em; one tired looking dad, with a baby and a toddler, who spent most of his time wiping up mess; and two mothers and their sons who spent most of the time taking it in turns to read some odd fantasy book VERY, VERY loudly to each other.

In the UK I don’t know anyone who’s ‘gone out for ice-cream’. I don’t think this is a British past time, unless you’re at the seaside, but then you just get one as you’re passing by on the seafront and then it melts into the sand or the seagulls try to eat it.

But, it certainly seems that it is an American custom, which I will now add to – and then tick off – my Bucket List, since I have now partaken in the phenomenon that is Going Out for Ice-Cream 😉 .

You can even watch Wheel of Fortune when you are out for ice-cream

The Queue

The other day I said to an American friend ‘I’ll join the queue.’ (I can’t remember what on earth it was for, but I think it was v v v interesting!)

‘Say that again!’ said my friend.

I said it again.

‘I love that you use the word queue,’ said he.

He went on tell me that most Americans use the word “line”.

Ain’t that a funny thing. 🙂

We Brits are very, very good at queueing, which is why, I guess, we have a verb for it 😉

Posted in Travel | Tagged America, American, Americans, Baskin Robbins, Britain, British, Culture, Dunkin' Donuts, English, food, hocoblogs@@@, ice cream, queueing, Thoughts, UK, USA, Wheel of Fortune | 10 Comments

Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 433

Posted on June 14, 2014 by ukdesperatehousewifeusa

Two American firsts

1. Costco

After my blog about not having been to various stores in the USA after two years here, some folk were in shock and had to be taken to hospital with heart palpitations.

Actually, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but there was some genuine shock by some peeps about this fact.

‘That’s like one of my favorite places to shop!! How have you not been there yet?!?’

‘Forget Miami and New York, this totally would’ve been my first stop if I went to America!’

And then this: ‘Let me take you and relieve you of your Costco virginity.’

So, yesterday I was deflowered in Costco by my friend Andrew.

Quite simply, it was a $258 deflowering, and rather marvellous it was too! It wasn’t hideous in the least! And Andrew made sure I saw Costco’s finest treasures, as well as large jars of mayonnaise that could fuel an entire fleet of drones.

Bloody loads of it!

As well as mayonnaise, these are the other joys of Costco that I encountered.

Lovely fresh fruit and naughty bakeries!

Amusing looking sausages

This. Naughty, but nice.

My friend, Andrew, took much joy in telling everyone that it was my inaugural visit to Costco and that I was doing very well. People were in shock and disbelief that I had not been here before. ‘She’s British,’ Andrew explained and they nodded understandingly.

And with that, my American Costco journey was complete. Yes, I ate all the tasters on the way round; yes, I had a $1.50 hot dog at the food court; and yes, I bought things I really didn’t need. Excellent fun!

2. The Orioles

Where I am in Maryland the Orioles are BIG. They are THE baseball team of Baltimore and thousands flood to see them play every night of the week during the season. I’ve seen baseball games, but not the Orioles. Shame on me!

But last night we did it in style in a VIP suite.

Yes, Brits, baseball is not cricket, nor is it rounders, and yes, there are lights and screens and flashing things and fireworks and hot dogs and beer and nuts – and that’s what makes it so uniquely American.

My breath was rather taken away when I entered the stadium. It’s amazeballs.

Whoop!

Because it is outdoors, it reminded my why I like baseball and not basketball. Whilst there was all that ‘stuff’ going on, you could actually watch the game too, and, even though the Orioles lost, it was a great game.

I tried v v hard to get on the Dance Cam and the Smile Cam, but sadly to no avail 😦 Gutted!

All the lights and wotnot 🙂

Good game, lots of fun, as Brucie would say

Damn that Smile Cam!

Baseball at night is coolio (actually, they were cleaning the ground whilst the fireworks were on! 😉 )

Yes, yes, now I haven’t yet been to an American football match, but that is on the cards for September at a Ravens match, so whoop/hoorah to that too (I will be doing that whilst it is still WARM and not watching in the freezing Baltimore cold though!)

Over and out. 🙂