Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 52

Halloween and Hooters

You might want to grab a cup of tea for this one….!

So, let’s start with Hooters.

Hooters, dear friends, is a bar which prides itself on its employees, who it promotes as lovely, buxom, fit ladies that serve you stuff. Its website states it is: “delightfully tacky yet unrefined”. And, of course, when I ask my husband where he would like to luncheon in Baltimore for his birthday he says Hooters, please. I have no issue with this – I would very much like to experience Hooters and see all that it offers (he adds that the chicken wings there are unsurpassed, but I know that’s just in case I have any reservations).

Now, to be a Hooters girl, the website continues, there are criteria:

Hair – should have shine, colour and condition and roots should not be showing (ouch, reminder to self that roots are scheduled for three weeks’ time). Not everyone needs to be blonde to be a Hooters girl. Hooters is showing equality and diversity – how modern.

This is the best bit about Hooters girls’ hair from the website:

Never come to work with wet hair! Even if your hair looks good when it dries naturally, we do not consider that styled and camera ready.

Style your hair the way you would when going out on a big date or when preparing for a photo shoot.

Use the best, not the cheapest, styling products. You will actually save money if you buy what you know works, rather than try every new product that claims to do what you want them to do.

Get your hair cut every 6 to 8 weeks, or as recommended by your stylist.

Wear the right hair color for your skin tone.

Skunk-like streaks are not permitted. A natural and styled look is the look you are going for.

Next….Eyes and Lips for a Hooters’ girl


use heavy pencils or dark shadows to define your brows. This can leave you looking stern rather than STUNNING!


overwhelm your lashes with too many coats of mascara. Clumpy lashes are a no-no!


use a lip liner much darker than your lipstick to define your lips. This will come across as harsh and unnatural.

The Look!

Hooters Girls are expected to uphold a consistent image by maintaining a routine that provides each with a


Okay, I get it – clean, healthy, natural beauty.

Bring on the chicken wings……

Hooters is a big disappointment, and here’s why…..

It’s Halloween, so the usual Hooters attire (tight tops, short-shorts) is not on today. Instead the Hooters girls are dressed as Superman, a ladybird and a vampire.

My husband made these observations following our visit:

“Hooters is the one place not to go on Halloween because I don’t want to see a Hooters girl in fancy dress. It’s rubbish.”

“Going to Hooters on Halloween is like going to a cheerleaders’ convention and they are all in Halloween costumes. That’s wrong.”

“There were much hotter girls in the Texas Hooters…”

I felt like I needed my money back; like I hadn’t got what I’d paid for.

Plus they were all a little bit skanky, and in my view they all need to re-visit the Hooters’ beauty regime bit of the website and remind themselves what it means to be a Hooters’ girl.

I mused over purchasing a pair of Hooters’ short-shorts as we made our exit (post-chicken wings) – after all, it was my husband’s birthday…… but thought better of it.

My husband’s final thought on Hooters is a positive one, however… “If you want, we can go to all the Hooters in America and compare and contrast the girls…..”. Bless him, he is so thoughtful.

Man at the bar

Man at bar in Hooters to Hooters’ girl: Just so you know, I am wearing new Spandex and when I sit down it looks like I have an erection.

Hooters’ girl: Okay sir. Can I get you anything to drink?


Halloween is officially bloody brilliant in the USA.

People do cool stuff to their houses, everyone is out trick or treating – it is not tiresome of awkward like in the UK. It is fun central, with a focus on community, being neighbourly and kids. Oh, and candy. I heard one radio station today ask if their listeners had ‘candy hangovers’.

The effort, imagination and total excitement about it all is impressive.

I’m converted.

I tried to explain to a group of four and five-year olds today that we don’t celebrate Halloween really in the UK, but that we have BONFIRE NIGHT! Oooh, how exciting, I declared! Even the teacher looked bored as I explained what it was.

Then she asked me if we had “S’mores” on Bonfire Night, which I said we didn’t and there was general class outrage at this, so they proceeded to tell me how to make a calorie-defying “S’more”.

See here for details:’more

Beggars in Baltimore

Okay, so Baltimore has its issues, but I like it. It is quirky and feels a little bit kooky on the East Side.

However, just like many other cities in the UK and USA, it has a large share of poverty, as I’ve explained before.

Popping out there on a week day, I see it in a different light, and it made me sad and contemplative.

A boy (aged about 10) washes our windscreen for two dollars at the traffic lights. Why isn’t he in school, I think.

A man in a wheelchair asks if he can make Harry a dog out of a weathered, saliva-ridden balloon. How come he’s in the wheelchair, I wonder.

Another man stares in at a restaurant, smelling the food. Probably thinking and hoping, whilst hearing the noise of his rumbling stomach. When will he get his next meal, I question.

A man with no legs is playing the picollo….how did he lose his legs, I wonder.

A lady sitting by a lift offering people directions…..what is her home like, I think.

I have to get my head round this. We see begging everywhere – Bath, Paris, London, Gloucester, Madrid, towns, villages… exists. But for some reason these five beggars today made me wonder…..why are you there, what is it you wish in your hearts you were doing instead, how did you get to this point…….how bloody lucky so many of us are.

The problem is that with some begging it is threatening; it impairs your enjoyment of the day; you avoid people; you disengage with anyone around you. You don’t make eye contact. It means you pretend it doesn’t exist.

I’m sure I’ll see more of it in New York.

And with those thoughts, over and out, blogsters.

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8 Responses to Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 52

  1. Expat Mum says:

    My mother is here for her first Halloween and couldn’t believe us all sitting out on the front porch handing out candy. Everyone in the street was out – it was great!

  2. JessieX says:

    I hear you live in Clarksville, Md., (via Tales of Two Cities). We’d love to have you listed on It’s free to be listed. ~Jessie

  3. Kevin I. in Columbia says:

    Found this blog from the link posted on To2C, so glad I clicked. You have had me laughing most of this morning! Consider your blog bookmarked.

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