Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 298

Americans don’t do crackers for Christmas….

I heard this terrible news yesterday.

The delightful British Christmas cracker

The delightful British Christmas cracker

What? No crackers at Christmas?! But how do you make each other laugh with terrible, terrible jokes or annoy each other with random facts? How do you not know the joy of wearing a hat that is too big/too small/too glitzy on your head for the entire meal, and then mocking those who are still wearing theirs as they nod off in front of repeats of Only Fool’s and Horses? How do you not know the joy of the ‘bang’ of the Christmas cracker as it is pulled and then the frustration of spending minutes searching under the stuffing and the napkins and Auntie Di’s chair (wish I’d NEVER done that πŸ˜‰ ) for your really shite plastic toy spider ring that you covet greedily, and unnecessarily, for the rest of the meal.

Anyway, American folk – that’s Christmas crackers, and they rule the UK Christmas table.

I hear that some folk get them shipped in, others have them sent over by family from the UK. (If you want some in the USA, you can get them via all sorts of online Brit stores. Oh, and Target does them too, apparently!)

I don’t love them that much that I shall do such a thing, but really Americans, you are totally missing out on this.

You see, I know that if you got hold of the Christmas cracker, they would become these giant mother f*ckers (sorry, readers, I know no other term for it that suffices) containing popcorn and an iPhone and tickets to a baseball game and chocolate covered candy crowns with sprinkles on, which fall out of a parachute that has Justin Bieber’s face on, and the bang will be like a real gunshot and everyone will take cover under the table and Pop-Pop will call 911 and the PoPo will come round and be like ‘Whaddup here, folks?’, and you’ll be like ‘Oh man, it’s just the Christmas crackers’, and they’ll be like ‘Well, y’all take care now, you hear.’

And that’s what a USA Christmas cracker will be like πŸ™‚

So, dear friends, you must experience that which is the British Christmas cracker….

And this is a much more sane explanation of the Christmas cracker πŸ™‚

American Education Week

This week is American Education Week.

Yes, I will raise my hand and do something helpful in the classroom (but you will regret it...)

Yes, I will raise my hand and do something helpful in the classroom (but you may regret it…)

Off I popped up to school to do the PE class. Yes, I am good for PE, and much fun was had running around.

The classroom, however, is a whole different ballgame for me, because it is sooo different from British schools, and any British mum will concur with this.

This aside, I managed to stop dead a conversation between five-year old boys discussing the merits of American football teams (Ravens, Steelers and others I have never heard of) by mentioning the word SOCCER.

‘What’s your team?’ they asked.
‘Liverpool,’ said I, a smile flickering on my lips.
They turned their noses up at my silly British gobbledygook and that was that.

I also tried to teach them how to say ‘brilliant’ in a British accent, but they tried once and couldn’t do it and then they got bored with the tiresome British lady.

‘Is that your mom?’ asked one boy of Harry.
‘Yes!’ replied Harry, his face gleaming with pride.
The other boy rolled his eyes and then stroked Harry’s arm in a somewhat sympathetic manner for a five-year old.

And that concluded my interaction with American Education Week.

Martin, pick me!

Lovely Gov. Martin O’Malley’s deputy chief of staff is leaving the administration!

All I have to say to Martin is that I will do it, and you only have to ask, and I will try to fit it in between my fitness stuff, writing, blogging, nutrition programmes, food bank work, PR campaign stuff, being really sociable and remembering I am also a wife and mother πŸ™‚

Look how lost he is - he needs me to help :)

Look how lost he is – he needs me to help πŸ™‚

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16 Responses to Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 298

  1. Andrea says:

    Don’t worry Claire, you can buy Christmas crackers here! We get them every Christmas. I think we got them at Pier One last year:)

  2. krishnie Drummond says:

    I saw the Christmas crackers today in marshalls. It was also part of our South African tradition..

  3. There are 9 Americans in our family and we do have crackers, the fun part is to video each of us reading the very silly jokes (that we have all heard before).

  4. Andy says:

    The description of American Christmas crackers was effing hysterical. Just brilliant, well done. πŸ™‚

  5. jlcasto says:

    Oh I saw those crackers at the BJs warehouse last week! I was wondering what they were! Thanks for reading my mind

  6. m3j5c2@gmail.com says:

    I’m sorry, you’ve just lost me as a reader. Evertonian for life!!! Stems from having been thrown out of a pub in Hong Kong on Derby Day for wearing the wrong color shirt 😦

    Yes, we do have crackers at Christmas in the US. My mother-in-law orders them from somewhere. The kids have always loved them.

  7. S Chou says:

    Christmas crackers were mentioned in one of the Harry Potter books – that’s how this American found out about the existence of such a thing. πŸ™‚

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