Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 6

Fact file……

FACT: I will need to amend how I write the date – in Yankeeland dates will be 2/23/2012. A strange, small, insignificant detail that highlights quite a huge cultural divide. Hmmm.

FACT: Giant Food’s online shopping delivery is called Peapod (and I have already accessed and started planning a delivery for 15 August, the day after we arrive. Organised? Yes! Proud of that? Damn straight!)

FACT: Peapod has a limit in its basket for delivery! What? This is America – the Land of Fat Tuesday. You are limiting my food delivery? I am gobsmacked, and slightly disappointed.

FACT: Shrove Tuesday is called Fat Tuesday in America. I like this sentiment much, much more than the UK one.  I also frigging hate pancakes, so I shall embrace this whole-heartedly.

FACT: They do not have marked out netball courts in the USofA. Get me some chalk, I’m coming to get ya sports courts.

FACT: America is loved by most everyone, except people who are afraid of it, and their dislike is how they extend their fear. I know this because I have A level Psychology.

FACT: I will finish my children’s book, find an illustrator, get the series commissioned and published. I will finish my dark, psychological novel and this will be a roaring sucess and it will be made into a film and I will talk about my influences on Oprah/Ellen/Chelsea Lately. My blog will be picked up by MarieClaire/The Washington Post and will become an international success.

Okay, the above is yet to be fact, but the only person who can make these futures factual is me. Little old me. Oooooh, bring on the challenge! See y’all.

The trip…..

These are just some of the comments I posted on Facebook during my recent trip there.

Is this lazy blogging? Yes, I suppose it is, but that, dear reader, is an blogging author’s perogative!

Day 1

Check list for USA going-to-live-there reccy trip…
Received pronunciation/British accent practise for maximum impact / possible upgrades – check

Racy/inappropriate outfit for wives club afternoon tea to ensure eyebrows are raised – check

Online check-in (how modern!) – check

Bikini/Daisy Dukes/flip-flops (it says it could hit 24 degrees – celcius that is) – check

Child – not required


Day 2

Main observations so far: freeway driving (kind of serene), awesomeness (it just is), gumbo prawns (holy crap, they’re good!), extreme politeness (big love), restrooms (simply amuses me) and gospel Sunday morning TV (yikes, freaky).

Today: we encountered several “I love your accent” and “the way you talk is awesome” comments; I bought cookies from girl scouts; went to the mall and bought stuff; and drank at a juice bar. Happy days!

 Day 3

 The story so far…..
YIELD – a little used word in the English language, but a much-used word on American road signs. An oddity that I have perused for much of my sleepless night.
MY CLEAVAGE – thank you for asking. Yes, this will be on full display at afternoon tea with the wives this very day. I look forward to the responses.
NETBALL – speaking with a lovely young lady who showed us round the family sports center (note irregular use of the -er) I commented upon my netball addiction and desire to play in the States. Her reply? “Netball, what’s thaaaaaat?”. I see one of my many roles to fulfill out here will be an entire country’s education about my beloved sport.
BAGELS – cinammon, choc chip, jalepeno, stuffed with egg, cheese, Hershey sauce etc. This is an industry in itself and one that I must explore more.
DRIVING – I feel I am rather good at it, since I learnt to drive on the right in Gibraltar and it’s all coming back to me. I encountered a rare roundabout yesterday and it was a strange sensation going round the ‘wrong way’.
POLICE – I have not yet seen any ‘po-po’ (I am adopting this slang from my widespread viewing of American TV series, especially The Wire, which is useful since I am not far from Baltimore). This I find surprising.

Thank you for reading.
Side note – hello office gals! I am currently not missing the office 🙂

Later observations…

LITTER – there is none, whatsoever.
MAN IN TIGER SUIT – advertising tyres and waving.
ZUMBA – disappointing.
RESTROOMS – yes, you can see through the gap, Annette Haynes. Slightly voyeuristic.
WEATHER – hot!

 Day 4


TOOK A WRONG TURNING – got caught on the freeway and went all round the rather lovely houses.

GOT ANNOYED BY ALL THE FRIGGING ADVERTS ON TV – how do they keep up with the (generally crap) programme? The adverts generally consist of health information or sales of anti-depressants or weight loss or other ailments I’ve never even heard of. Then they stop and all of a sudden another crap programme comes on, and I’m sure the other one hadn’t finished. All very confusing.

AM GLAD I DID NOT VISIT MARYLAND UNIVERSITY CAMPUS TODAY – there’s some nutter student threatening to shoot people there. Best avoid that, then. Imagine the drama for the PR team,Rachel Jones – ‘you couldn’t make it up’….!

Day 5

God, this is really hard sitting out in 74 degrees, drinking “cwoffee”, chatting to fabulous American women about fabulous things.

Shaneece at the Estee Lauder counter in Macy’s said I looked Californian. I love Shaneece. And Estee Lauder. And Macy’s. And California, even though I haven’t been there yet. Still, Shaneece thinks I would fit right in. Bless Shaneece.

Giant supermarket. I love it already!

There is a lake near Columbia “town center”. Columbia does not actually have what we would call a town centre. It has a shopping mall. This happens to be near it.

See ya, Americaland. You and I generally seem compatible. See you in August…!

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5 Responses to Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 6

  1. EmmaK says:

    lol you are a hoot. you must finish your books!! I think you should try a humorous one like mine btw good luck with this: Yankeeland dates will be 2/23/2012
    I have lived in Baltimore 12 years and still have trouble with this.

  2. Pingback: Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 88 | ukdesperatehousewifeusa

  3. Pingback: I’m an Expat Too – March 2014 | Diary of a Serial Expat

  4. Pingback: Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 513 | ukdesperatehousewifeusa

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